The Secret Satan

I did this a few years ago and people loved it. I filled little pumpkins with gifts and candy with this as a scroll in it. Unfortunately it didn't catch on.


How the Secret Satan Started

A long, long, long, long to the hundredth power time ago, a couple of weeks to be exact, a demon in Products and Development in the UNMENTIONABLE PLACE was working on new and exciting items for Halloween.
Suddenly, Demoniac (his name was actually Pussbucket Snotfarmer Fartnbelchitout but he liked to call himself Demoniac. No one in the UNMENTIONABLE PLACE was allowed to have a cool name except Satan himself; he took all the other cool names and made sure everyone else had an embarrassing one) jumped up and scribbled out a quick proposal. It was brilliant! It was stupendous! It was more than mediocre! Rushing to The Evil One’s office, he signed in at the front desk and took a seat and waited, flipping through a 1968 copy of Field and Stream that was missing the back cover. After several hours, he was called back (he had to admit that the concept of the waiting room was one of Satan’s best ideas for torture) and faced The Evil One. Laying out the hastily concocted proposal, he started:
“First we start this little tradition that will pervert the Secret Santa idea by letting people send others little gifts that are creepy and disgusting anonymously. It will promote Halloween and if we can swing another deal with the dentists and the candy companies like we did with the whole Valentine thing, we can spread more pain and misery from tooth decay with subsequent trips for teeth drilling not to mention the stomachaches for the short term net gains.”
Satan stared with his usual scowl. “I HATE IT! IT SUCKS! I’M GOING TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT IT’S SO DUMB! IT’S LAME AND STUPID AND YOU’RE AN IDIOT! IMPLEMENT IT AT ONCE; I’M A GENIOUS FOR THINKING OF IT! AS FOR YOU, ONLY THE WORST PAIN AND PUNISHMENT WILL DO FOR THINKING OF SOMETHING SO INANE—A YEAR IN THE THOMAS KINKAID ROOM WITH MICHAEL BOLTON MUZAK IN THE BACKGROUND! BUT SINCE THIS IS TOO GOOD OF PUNISHMENT FOR YOU, YOU GET A PROMOTION AND YOUR NEW NAME IS BUTTHOLIOUS. START THIS TRADITION WITH ROB SCHNEIDER, HE SOLD HIS SOUL A LONG TIME AGO TO KEEP MAKING MOVIES, HE OWES ME BIG TIME!”
Demoniac (now Buttholious Snotfarmer Fartnbelchiout) realized that Satan was truly pleased to steal this idea from him and call it his own, although it was confusing at times to figure out what Satan was trying to say since he couldn’t tell the truth or say anything nice.
So now you have been Secret Sataned for Halloween by someone that obviously needs a lot of deep therapy and medication. Secret Satan someone else and make their day a little bit more terrifying.

Happy Halloween!

Your Secret Satan