Thursday, August 25, 2011

Mr. Macabre Rants, and rants and rants...

I love to read people's rants, it's just a Mr. Macabre thing.  I can imagine that they're furiously typing, face getting redder and redder, teeth clenching at the injustice that was done that so deserves a rant, I loves it!

My turn.

I woke up the other morning to find 281 undeliverable emails in my inbox and the next day, around 80 more.  I was another victim of a spambot.  Then last night, I get an irate email from someone demanding that I stop sending them '$#!+' and they're going to report me to the national fraud database (wtf?  Is there such a thing?).  I wrote back saying that my email's been hijacked and there was nothing I could do about it and go after the jack@$$es that have the link that you shouldn't click on, not me!

So if you get a note saying that so much has changed since we last talked, it hasn't, I'm still graying, farsighted and conniving. I don't give a rip if your buddy told you about a virus-engorged website that made him 8 billion dollars in his spare time in two weeks and out of the goodness of your heart you're sharing it with me, and a million other spam folders.  And while I'm at it...

1.  I don't need Viagra, Cialis or MaxGentlemen Enlargement pills.  I have two legs, that's enough. I'm just say'n.
2.  I don't need X@n@x, Pr0z@c, or Perc0cet.  You're an idiot if you think that I would put something in my mouth when you spell it like that.
3.  If I get a message from Facebook from Sarah telling me about the site she found that lets her post her nude pictures...she obviously doesn't know me...at all.
4.  How many plane crashes do the wealthy in Africa have?!  I mean, how many rich African widows are out there wanting me to help them get 8.5 million dollars invested in American banks and they want to give me 30% for my trouble?!  And for heaven's sake if you're rich in Africa, take the bus, take the train, take a car y'all, quit flying, better idea, stay at home!
5.  I don't need a Canadian pharmacy, I have a Kmart pharmacy that's a lot closer.
6.  Som eMoreTop -ra tedPillEsse nt ia lsPutInTh eSele cti on‏...see #2, then see a grammar teacher. 
7.
Dear Friend,
 
This message may Surprise you (no, not really, but it's surprising that you capitalized the S though). Please accept my apology if it does embarrass you (no, not at all.  If you climb on my desk and pee into my trash can, THAT will embarrass me). However, it’s my urgent need for a foreign partner that made me to contact you (I'm as foreign as they come, just ask Mrs. Macabre, oh wait, that was freaky.  My bad.). I am a bank manager (I'm sure you are, typing away on some outdated laptop in some skuzzy apartment with an open can of Beanie Weinies beside it no doubt) . I have an opportunity to transfer US$15 Million Dollars (Fifteen Millon United States Dollars) I'm Inviting you for a business deal where this money can be share between us, I intend to offer to you 40% of the total sum on a provision of a foreign account where this fund can be remitted immediately (Well damn, this must be my lucky day!  I love to be shared this money between us! You real nice!).
 
Meanwhile, arrangement to facilitate the easy transfer of this fund without problem has already been put in place by my humble self, if you are interested kindly reply to indicate your interest, then i shall intimate you with the method of application and how you can apply to the bank for the release and transfer of the fund into your nominated bank account (You will WHAT?!  YOU WILL INTIMATE ME WITH THE METHOD OF APPLICATION!?  You nasty boy, of course I'm interested!  Hmmm, my interests... mayonnaise, rubber thongs, riding crops, playing nude Vaseline Twister...) . In fact , the bank law stipulates that if such fund remains unclaimed over a given period of time, precisely 9 years ,the bank shall automatically transfer the fund into the bank treasury account as unclaimed or lost fund (wait, I'm still talking about the intimate method of application of mayonnaise here...I don't care about no bank now, I've got my jar of Blue Plate ready to go!) .Hence no one is putting claims to such funds , I want to also inform you that once you apply to this funds , no other person owns the right or eligibility to this account any more therefore the bank sees you as the true next of kin by making you the genuine owner of this account legally , even if the law has to prevail you are genuine and ascertain with all proofs of eligibility that I shall intimate you with later on, as we proceed in this transaction (bla bla bla, will you get off the bank crap and call me your nasty little b!+c#, you got me all hot and bothered now!) .
 
This account has been dormant since 2002 that i have been monitoring it (Well I ain't dormant right now, I'm still waiting to be intimated!  With mayonnaise!) .I do advice you to keep this as a top secret (Sure will, just you, me and whoever else reads this, that's all). I wait for your urgent reply once you are interested to be my partner kindly send the below information’s (Partner?!  Hey, I'm not looking for any kind of commitment, you know, you're nice and all but I've just got out of a long term relationship and work is really busy right now and you know, it's not you, it's me, I'm just needing some me time right now and I just need a little room to breathe and YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME DAMMIT!)
 
1. YOUR FULL NAME……Puddin' Tame, ask me again and I'll tell you the same…………
 
2. OCCUPATION……I lay and nurture the seeds of coveting and vanity, I convince you that what you have isn't good enough, that what you have although still good, is shameful and old, otherwise known as an interior designer………
 
3. MARITAL STATUS…She meant nothing to me, I swear! *sigh* just divorced………
 
4. YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBER……If I told you, it wouldn't be private now would it?…………
 
5. AGE…4 days older than dirt……
 
Regards,
 
Mr Franklin Adam





End of rants.



11 comments:

The Captain said...

Haha now tell us how you really feel.

Herr Punkinstein said...

Now that's a rant, mate. I loved it. Having worked in IT security for far too long I know all about the bollocks of spambots. We (myself and a guy at work) used to make poetry by copying out the random text into a word doc and then reading it. Impudent Brickbat was perhaps my favorite. I believe that one was a Viagra advert.

Jeanne said...

Bravo!!Do you feel better now?? :0)

One of my email accounts was hacked a couple weeks ago. Made me see red!! I was ready to do absolutely horrible & unspeakable things to that hacker!!!

The October boy said...

Amen!

halloween spirit said...

What?! You mean I WON'T be getting that check from Nigeria? :)

Spookworks said...

Wait, WHAT? So all this time Sarah's been cheating on me with YOU?! There are no words... wait til I send *her* a 'message'. ;)

Great post! Hilarious as ever!

The Frog Queen said...

You so made my day! I needed that kind of laugh. Thanks my friend for always being there for me :D

Cheers!

trickortreat said...

That's no rant- that's COMEDY. Good stuff, Mr.M!

PumpkinBrain said...

Funny! I got spammed recently, a psychic from Europe sent me a letter indicating that I have been cursed by a bad intended group of people. Maybe I should talk about it on my blog. That could be funny. Now, about the mayonnaise, :-D

GhoulishCop said...

The thing I don't understand is, who is it that actually responds to these emails? Someone must, since they keep proliferating, or is there some school in Nigeria that trains these spammers promising its students that, really, these emails will work!

I'm just not sure why someone reading that would think, "Oh, cool! This is the chance I've been waiting for! Let me send all my private information to them"

It just goes to show there are truly some very dumb people in this world. Unfortunately we're left to deal with their idiocy.

Rich

Peter Varvel said...

Aah ha ha! I had the same problem recently, too. Had to change my password.
AGAIN.